Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Emotional Rants

Dear Blog,

I am really really really angry right now. I am super [to the nth power] angry. I am angry of what happened last week. And I am angry with myself. I am now at stage two of the Kubler-Ross model, which is the anger stage. I skipped stage one [denial stage] because others say it is unproductive [w/c I also think it is]. I am also planning to skip stage three because of the same reason. Hehehe. I like being in this stage, the anger stage. My favorite part is the part wherein I get to let  out of what I feel. I like beating out my punching bag until my hands ache. I like to write it all out until I can't think anything to write. These two are very therapeutic. 

Now why am I angry? I am angry because I tend to screw things up. I am angry because I got easily carried away. I am angry because I have difficulty controlling my emotions. I am angry because I am a little bit paranoid. I can't really blame something or someone. I can't also blame her. I mean what can I expect? I am no Brad Pitt. I can only blame myself here. Although there are parts in the situation wherein I should blame something/someone/her, but all that could have not happened if it was because of my stupid ability to screw things up. I could've waited until the right time. I could've waited until it becomes "hinog" [ripe]. I could've followed simple textbook rules. But what can I say? This thing called...., [you know what I'm talking about], clouded my judgment and reasoning. This really makes me a hypocrite because I tend to criticize others about how bad their judgment and reasonings are and yet here I am. 

I can now sense  that she [unfortunately this 'she' will remain nameless ;p] thinks that I am getting a little bit crazy/weird. Am I really crazy? Ofcourse I am. I am thinking of her when I should not be thinking of her. I am texting her when I should not be texting her. I even get distracted in some things that I do. Lucky me I'm already done with my studies. Also I am showing to the world my weakness, my thumbscew here and I am talking to my blog for pete's sake. Now that's really crazy. LOL. I can sense that people will just feel "corniness" when they would read this yet I continue to write. I can also sense the "ilang-ness" stage coming in both of us. How I wish I could just re-write this not-so-well-written chapter of my life. 

Well I guess this is just how life and love is. There are ups and downs. Positives and negatives. His and lows. Good and bad. Rain and shine. Yin and Yang. I'll just have to face this head on. I mean look at 'my' bright side. Other people are in much trouble than I am. Right? Other people are in much deeper shit. Others even live in unfortunate places while I sit here in this comfy chair. I'm still fortunate and thankful because I know that I still have a little bit of chance. Although "very little chance" is close to impossible but it is still possible [just ask any mathematician/statistician about this]. I am still hopeful. I'll just have to think clearly and avoid making stupid mistakes next time because life is short, we can only live once, and there's no turning back in life.  [This last part sounds like stage five of the Kubler-Ross model. Hehehe]

Thank you and until in my next rants,


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